I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
