Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
