i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
