Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
