Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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