I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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