guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
