how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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