Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
