omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
