The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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