Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you win again, gameday.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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