I'd wear matching sweaters with you
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
