i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
