I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
