come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
