when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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