Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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