She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.