Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
