Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
