Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
