Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
