You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
