I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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