I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Is it penis luge time yet?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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