Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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