Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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