I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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