Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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