You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
