i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
