i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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