Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
