Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
