WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
