Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
