I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
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Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
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I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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