tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
