I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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