This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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