I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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