you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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