It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
