My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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