Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
