I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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