Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
