My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
