I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
