I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
