Who wears a wallet chain?!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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