I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
