I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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