Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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