Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
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The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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