cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
