New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
do herpes really smell.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
