They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
